Just one week prior to completing my training, a colleague wrote me a prescription for Percodan to treat my migraine. He told me this would take care of any headache. It did much more than that for me. Suddenly all was right with the world and I had found the answer to all my problems, or so I thought. It gave me energy, and most of all it gave me a sense that I was a complete human being for the first time in my life. Then while in the military I had easy access to Demerol which took me on a rapid downward spiral and landed me in treatment for the first time in l980. Within six months of joining the civilian work force I was back in treatment again at the V.A. hospital. Once again I was different from everyone else there. This line of thinking allowed me to stay active in my addiction for another l5 years.

During those l5 years I lost a lot of things and relationships. But of course it was always someone else's fault, certainly not mine! A family, two marriages, two bankruptcies, multiple jobs, multiple health problems and hospitalizations with diagnoses ranging from chest pain, ulcers, GI bleed, idiopathic seizure disorder and depression, to name a few. All these times I kept hoping that someone would stop me. I even quit work for six months on two separate occasions, thinking that if I took time away from the stresses of medicine I could get myself together. It never worked! As a locum tenens physician I had the perfect job for an active addict. A geographical cure anytime I needed one. This is most likely the reason that I was never intervened upon. I could always tell when everything was collapsing around me. I would leave for a "better job offer" while there were still a few people left that would still give me good recommendations.

Early one morning in l995 I found myself sitting in a motel room, afraid that I would use one of the guns that was with me to end my pain once and for all. I had truly hit my bottom and realized for the first time in my life that I was powerless over drugs and alcohol. When the sun came up I drove back home and asked for help because I was sick and tired of dying. I found myself in a psychiatric ward with a diagnosis of major depression. Thank God there was a drug and alcohol counselor there who wanted to send me to Shepherd Hill Hospital, a long-term treatment facility for alcoholism and drug dependency, "before they convince you that you're really crazy."

By the time I arrived at Shepherd Hill I was totally beaten. I had no job or friends and I was broke. After three months in treatment I was feeling better. My antidepressants were starting to work. I had signed a contract with Ohio Physicians Health Program and the Medical Board had suspended my license indefinitely. It actually felt good not to have to be a doctor anymore. That is what I needed in order for me to gain acceptance of my disease. I was not able to work during the first year of my recovery due to my health and not having a license.

It is now five years later and life is better than I could have ever imagined. The program of Alcoholics Anonymous and its l2 steps have literally saved my life. With the advocacy of Ohio Physicians Health Program, I have my license back, and a great job. I also work part-time at a treatment facility which keeps me humble and reminds me of where I came from. I married a wonderful woman in recovery and have a relationship that I thought only existed in my dreams. My IRS problems are being resolved and we have now become home owners. The promises of A.A. will materialize if you work for them. If I can recover, ANYONE CAN! Thanks to all those who have helped save my life."   MD